“THE MAN WHO STOPPED HAVING OPINIONS”
BREAKING: Local Man Renounces All Opinions, Sparks National Crisis
Filed under: National | Existential | Prime-Time Calamity
By TBNN Newsroom | Updated every 7 minutes with the same content
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TBNN Studios, Delhi – In a development described by authorities as “gravely destabilising to the nation’s emotional GDP,” a 38-year-old man from Nashik, Maharashtra has renounced all opinions. Yes, all. On everything.
The man, identified as one Mr. Paresh Thakkar, informed his family over breakfast that he “no longer felt compelled to have a stance on anything,” and then calmly resumed chewing his toast.
The Breaking News Network (TBNN)’s senior anchor Gurkha Butt, who has been delivering the same five stories under different names for 17 years, reported the development at 8:01 AM sharp—her signature steel-rimmed stare piercing the camera with the intensity of a thousand unpaid electricity bills.
“In a country where one is expected to have three opinions before brushing teeth,” Butt intoned, “this act is nothing short of social deviance.”
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Live Updates (Refreshed every 7 minutes)
[9:14 AM]: Paresh Thakkar spotted refusing to comment on mango vs. apple debate at local fruit shop. Vendor offended.
[9:21 AM]: Government releases advisory asking citizens to “hold opinions tightly and not set bad examples.”
[9:28 AM]: T-N-W-T-Know-swami tweets “WHO IS HE TO BE NEUTRAL?” in all caps, demands CCTV footage.
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As reported by Gurkha Butt, Senior Anchor, The Breaking News Network (TBNN):
At precisely 6:43 AM on a quiet Sunday in Nashik, a cup of tea trembled in its saucer—not due to an earthquake or political tremor, but something far rarer.
Paresh Thakkar, age 38, civil engineer, tea enthusiast, and third-eldest son of an extended Gujarati family known for arguing over the appropriate temperature for dal, had just said, in a measured voice, “I no longer have any opinions.”
The kitchen fell silent. The milk boiled over. And something ancient in his mother’s bones told her this was not indigestion.
Within hours, The Breaking News Network had dispatched its top field correspondent (who was already in Nashik covering a lassi-churner’s protest) to verify the event.
Ladies and gentlemen, and those still undecided... A citizen of this great democracy has renounced all opinions. We go live.
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FLASHBACK: The House in Question
Paresh lived in a modest two-storey bungalow surrounded by tulsi pots and conflicting WhatsApp groups. He was known to be a mild man. Once, at a wedding, he had declined to comment on whether the rasmalai was soggy or just enthusiastic. The groom's side never forgave him.
On this Sunday morning, he had simply looked up from the newspaper and said, “You know what? I don’t think I need to have an opinion on this article. Or the next. Or anything, really.”
And just like that, the unthinkable had happened.
His sister-in-law dropped a plate.
His nephew looked up from his phone, blinked.
The family dog, Bittu, whimpered—as if a low cosmic frequency had shifted.
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TBNN Studio, Delhi:
T-N-W-T-Know-swamy, clad in a black suit and the serenity of someone who has survived 43 panel discussions on ‘Bollywood and National Security,’ sat poised.
Behind him, LED screens flickered with grainy footage of Thakkar stirring sugar into tea, occasionally pausing as if considering whether he preferred cubes or crystals, and then shrugging. A gasp was heard from the control room.
“Viewers,” Know-swamy began, “this is not apathy. This is erasure. If opinions are the heartbeat of the nation, then Mr. Thakkar is a flatline.”
A hastily drawn caricature of Thakkar was splashed across TBNN's “Alert Red” screen, as Know-swamy adjusted his eyeglasses and prepared to speak vehemently about what he later called “the most dangerous sentence ever broadcast without commercial break.”
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Live from Nashik: TBNN’s Ground Report
Reporter Kanishk Banerjee stood outside the Thakkar residence with the intensity of a man holding a mic he hoped wouldn’t be thrown at him.
“Behind me stands the house of silence,” he said, dramatically. “Where breakfast discussions once ranged from Modi to Maggi, there is now… nothing.”
Neighbors stood at their gates. Some squinted suspiciously. Others mourned.
“He was such a nice boy,” said Mrs. Deshpande from next door. “Always said ‘maybe’ before disagreeing. Now he just... sips tea.”
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TBNN Panel Discussion, Sponsored by White Chyawanprash:
Back in Delhi, Know-swamy convened a panel. He gestured toward the screen where Paresh sat calmly in his veranda, cross-legged, watching ants carry away a breadcrumb.
“This man,” he said, pointing like an ancient judge casting lots, “refuses to say if pineapple belongs on pizza.”
A brief pause, before slightly raising his voice.
“He is breaking the very fabric of democratic small talk.”
The panel consisted of:
A former bureaucrat
A screaming sociologist
A retired cricketer turned spiritual podcaster
A man in a saffron shawl claiming to be a ‘Vedic Data Analyst’
“He must be hiding something,” said the ex-bureaucrat, not specifying what.
“It’s unnatural. Even a snail has preferences,” argued the sociologist, who later admitted she just wanted to go viral.
“This is what happens when you don’t play gully cricket,” offered the cricketer-turned-seer, inexplicably.
The data analyst tried to chip in, but wasn't able to get his voice heard above the din.
The debate was loud, incoherent, and lasted 47 minutes. No one could speak as much as Know-swamy. After all, it was his show, and he commanded control over every guest's microphone.
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Ticker of Doom -- TBNN’s legendary ticker ran along the screen, like a panicked relative at a train station:
BREAKING: Local Man Refuses to Pick Side in Cricket Match
DEVELOPING: Says He Doesn’t “Feel Strongly” About Veg vs. Non-Veg
EXCLUSIVE: CCTV Shows Him Nodding Politely, Causing Aunt to Cry
FLASHBACK: Similar Case in 2009, But Victim Recovered After Debating Petrol Prices
RERUN: "Nation wants to know why you don’t want to know" – Debate at 9 PM
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Public Reactions Pour In -- Twitter, naturally, imploded.
@opinionmatters: “This is privilege. Only the upper middle class can afford to be indifferent.”
@wokechakra69: “He’s gaslighting us by not engaging. Classic toxic silence.”
@desiboomerunfiltered: “Back in our day, we had opinions and we fought for them. Usually over chai. Bring back the glory.”
@iamalwaysoffended: “BLOCKED. Even though he never tweeted.”
@idontlikeknowswamy: "Nation wants to know why you won't shut up, dude!”
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The Final Word:
That night, Gurkha Butt, tired but luminous, stared into the camera with the gravitas of someone who has seen democracy wear a lungi and dance.
“A man who does not argue is a man who cannot be controlled,” she said softly. “In a nation where every chai stall is a parliament, and every social media account a manifesto, neutrality is not a middle path—it is exile.”
Outside, in Nashik, Paresh Thakkar finished his tea and stood up. A distant cousin approached him, waving a phone.
“Bhai, I tagged you in a debate. Say something, na.”
Paresh smiled. He looked at the sky.
Then he quietly went back inside and watered his tulsi.
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TBNN will follow this story as it unfolds, or doesn’t. In tomorrow’s edition:
“Paresh Takes A Walk Without Reacting to Construction Noise: Is He Even Human?”
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-- Pradeep K (Prady)
