Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Made in Heaven!

Preamble


A few days ago, Amy unveiled a very conscientious entry in her blog, about disintegration of marriages. After posting my comments on that article, I gladly retired to the more dependable precincts of my bachelorhood. However, the rabid neural network in my skull continued pondering, as it always does when confronted by such grave issues, over the questions that she had raised. There was, in her composition, something that ought not to be ignored by anybody, in general. Yet again, there was just a hint of something that stimulated me to compose a supplement herein.

NOTE: At the very outset, I must remind the readers that the complexity and gravity of this subject do not permit one to exhaustively deal with it in a few paragraphs. Even as I write these lines, a plethora of unstructured thoughts and concepts overwhelm my mind. But, owing to several limitations, and also hoping to maintain reasonable clarity of thought, I am bound to present my case succinctly. The views expressed below are my own, and I remain open to any criticism from my readers.


Made in Heaven


Are marriages made in Heaven? Are they, without exceptions, disposed by an omnipotent entity? If so, why do so many of them fail?

Consider any two people who, apparently destined to do so, come together and bind each other into a relationship, each uttering the key words, “I do”. The colorful hallmark on the partnership deed boldly declares: “Predestined Pair; Made in Heaven”. The only trouble is that the fine print, as it always happens, is overlooked. Partnerships thus formed, are often inclined to be a burden on both partners. The reasons should become quite obvious as you read on.

A relationship is naturally only as strong as the similarity in temperament of the partners. But, no two people can be perfectly alike in their disposition; there are bound to be differences. In order to maintain harmony in the relationship when challenged by the differences, charming concepts such as love, understanding, caring and sharing are packed with it.

In several cases, these concepts are held on to just as long as the couple has to move around in their little social circles. Outside the public perimeters, the colorful masks are peeled off, and the true, disparate faces come to light. When reality starts biting, issues such as compatibility, negotiation and compromise raise their demanding hood.

Whoever believes that marriages are predestined, advocates the absence of free will, and therefore, may not suggest compromises. Asking one or both partners to compromise on any of their personal philosophy, inherent attitude, or instinctive behavior - human attempts at making them compatible with each other – would be a clear indication that the relationship was not preordained, unless one confidently believes that God, as well, is not perfect.

Whoever believes, moreover, that marriages are predestined, should have no reservations in believing that its consequences – whether happy or sad, including any subsequent breakups in the relationship - are also fated. Therefore, it would seem that the outcome of a marriage made in Heaven is not predictable, with any certainty, by humans. But this apparent uncertainty would last only until one cares to read the fine print that was initially ignored.

If you are still wondering what the fine print is, here it is:
“Relationship subject to mutual acceptance.”

I have grown to believe, personally, that compromises afflict relationships, that they create an artificial sense of compatibility, which lasts just as long as the partners honor their compromises, and that the relationship itself becomes weaker with each bargain between the partners.

My personal line of reasoning is, therefore, that the key to an unbreakable relationship is “mutual acceptance”. It is neither about expecting the other half to change to suit ones needs, nor about finding middle ground suitable for both. It is, with all certainty and without any qualifications, about accepting the partner for who she/he is. A marriage would survive the test of time only as long as the partners accept each other thus. Acceptance also happens to be the key feature of true friendship. No doubt, wonderful partners are also the best of friends.

It is not as easy as it sounds, of course. It requires a great attitude to accept people for who they are, with all their strengths and weaknesses, with all their little idiosyncrasies and values. It takes more than love. Repeat: it takes more than love! It takes respect; it takes devotion. While we can only fall in love, we can certainly rise in devotion.

When the to-be partners say, “I do”, they essentially mean, “I accept”. In doing so, they bind themselves not only by the bold declaration of the colorful hallmark, but also, whether they like it or not, by the message in the fine print. Those who ignore it at the time of uttering the two decisive words are truly unfortunate.

But those who realize the value of the message are indeed blessed by Heaven, and an omnipotent force secures their bond with the wedlock; and nothing, not even death, can do them apart!

_______________
P.S.: The views expressed above are my own, and I remain open to any criticism from my readers.

21 comments:

Queen Bee said...

Hi Pradeep ;)

If "Accepting a person for who he/she is" is made in a positive stance, it is good.

But if it is made in a negative stance, such as with despondence...it could be an acceptance made under hopelessness and despair. This kind of acceptance does not help in a marriage.

PRADEEP K. said...

Dear QB,
"Acceptance", as I have used it here, refers to the act of tolerating a person without an intention to change that person; and without any expectations from the other person.

In the above sense, acceptance has to be whole-hearted and unconditional, and therefore, it only holds a positive connotation. It is, in my opinion, the only way to a successful and healthy relationship.

(Smiles)

Ashley said...

I have been married for nearly 9 years. I whole-heartedly concur with your notion of mutual acceptance. Another key element is confidence. A stable marriage is free of jealousy, suspicion, envy, or competition. When these issues arise, there is trouble. I am fortunate to be in a good situation where we have each other and we have our own, separate interests and hobbies. For a bachelor, your post is eerily insightful!!

Jewel Rays said...

Oh Pradeep,

Beautiful post. U sure did run through this subject before penning it down your thoughts on ya blog. *smiles*

Whoever believes that marriages are predestined, advocates the absence of free will, and therefore, may not suggest compromises.

Advocates the absence of free will..I deem it to be true to some point..it makes me think. :)

wonderful partners are also the best of friends.

I TOTALLY AGREE!!! :D:D

It requires a great attitude to accept people for who they are, with all their strengths and weaknesses, with all their little idiosyncrasies and values. It takes more than love. Repeat: it takes more than love! It takes respect; it takes devotion. While we can only fall in love, we can certainly rise in devotion

This is so real...And its so true. It takes more than love to some point. But it begins with love to start the cycle or bearing with one another. It definitely requires a great attitude.

OUTSTANDING!! *smiles*

Great one pradeep! ;D

PRADEEP K. said...

Dear Ashley,
My hearty congratulations to you, on your strong and healthy marital life.

Yes there are several elements that play their role in this matter. What you say about jealousy and suspision is undoubtedly true. Competition, by certain standards, is not a bad thing. Partners who encourage each other in a healthy and inspirational competition actually help get the best out of each other.

Eerily insughtful!
"Eerily?" (Laughs)

It truly means a lot when someone like you, who has been happily married for 9 years, concurs with my notions. Thank you very much, and I hope you keep visiting.



Amyyyyyyy! :)
I thought that you had taken a break. I was willing to wait with this post until you read it, no matter how long it would have taken. I really needed your views on it. :)

I thoroughly run through all my articles before I post them here. I play the Devil's Advocate with myself until I convince myself that I am thinking clearly and sensibly.

If what I write here makes people think, that is considerable reward for my efforts. When they agree with what I write, it is a bonus. :)

I am honored to see that you liked this one. Thank you ;) for the inspiration and encouragement.

(Smiles)

Jewel Rays said...

*smiles*

Hey pradeep, that was really sweet with the thought of waiting..haha if i have gone missing i would have informed you guys i believe..LOL

I was sick and was away..Will be going on a short holiday soon though..*smiles*

Miladysa said...

There is a saying

"A man marries a woman hoping that she will never change, a woman marries a man hoping that he will" - there are several variations of the saying but the gist is the same.

Sadly, we are often brainwashed with the idea of the 'perfect marriage' one where there is never a difference of opinion etc. We are not perfect and no marriage can ever be. We can only love one another and try our best to make our love work and yes, I agree, that acceptance is the key.

Yashita said...

hey, I soo agree wid u!...yes, for a happy marriage 'acceptance' is very very imp...infact it is true for every relationship...

and I don't believe that marriages are made in heaven...and incase it were true, what about people who get married twice or thrice??....

many people belive that 'love' is the most important criterion for a successful marriage...but that(acc to me)is necessary and not sufficient...trust and whole-hearted acceptance is what keeps the relationship going...

still_figuring_out said...

when you accept someone, you accept their good and bad. i encourage co living before marriage. my sweetie and i have been together for nearly 7 years, and we have been staying together for just about that same amount of time. believe me, it is impossible to live together and be sickeningly sweet and nice 24/7. your bad, together your your good, will be shown. it the relationship is not meant to be, then i doubt it would survive co-living for long. as with our case? we go through each other`s angel and devil every day, and at the end of the day, we still fall asleep with words of comfort and love at heart. so to answer your Q, yes, i think marriages are made in heaven. some find their GOD meant partners, while others don`t. that`s the sad part of it all, when one does not find his/her intended. but maybe we do, and just do not realise it.

love, after all, is acceptance.

Anonymous said...

Tell me something....
U yourself are a bachelor. So dont you think u are judging when you say anything regarding marriage ???
I agree with your views though.
Anyway great writing skills .

PRADEEP K. said...

Dear Amy,
Sorry to read that you were sick. Hope you are in good health now.
(Smiles)



Dear Miladysa,
Thank you very much. :)



Dear Yashita,
Yes, your last paragraph indeed summarizes the message that I wanted to convey. Thank you, girl.
(Smiles)



Dear SFO,
The questions in my article were only rhetorics, supportive to the rest of my article.

I have no doubt whatsoever that marriages are made in Heaven. I also believe that everyone eventually finds the partner meant for them. But everyone does not accept the partner for who he/she is. That is where problems begin.

I agree when you say that love is acceptance. That is how it should be. But then, how many people whole-heartedly accept the negative qualities of the person they love?



@ Anonymous,
You don't have to be raped before you can say anything regarding rape. You don't have to be dead before you can say anything regarding death.

I guess I am okay, because I did not judge blindly, but I spoke from observation and analysis.

By the way, there is a good reason why I am still a bachelor.

Thank you.

Yashita said...

:)

and i agree you always don't have to do things to know how they work...you can always learn a lot from observations and other people's experience!

and good reason why u still are a bhacleor??????

PRADEEP K. said...

Dear Yashita,
Thank you.

You will need to know me much better before you can understand the real reason for that.

nakedwriter said...

Hhehe...great writing flair i must say...

But speaking of free will, take this scenario: when someone decides to propose a marriage, he or she would have thought of everything like why the person is suitable and compatible for marriage and lifelong partnership. Through this thinking process, don't you think the thoughts, the choices, the compatibility have all been shaped by upbringing, nurture and experience? In other words, perhaps it was not free will? That before the person decided, the decision was already made? Because if the person was, say brought up differently, his/her choice of a partner would be different.

Neha said...

this is so very true!and very well written i must say. i don't believe in this 'fated to happen' attitude. at times when i question fundas like arranged marriages some ppl say it's ur destiny .. whatever is meant to happen will happen.. but i don't agree.. it's like ur giving up without even trying.. of course things cud go wrong even if u noe someone .. but when ur marrying an unknown person ur just deliberately leaving everything to chance!!

very nice blog.. thanks fr visiting

praveen said...

marraige has started to scare me..seriously..i used to think that marraiges were made in heaven, during my adolescent,hindi-movie watching years...but after getting a reality check, i've finally started to realise that marraige is all about understanding and giving each other some space..its all about trust and compromise...seriously speaking, i really dont know what position would i be in the next 5-10 years...i still think its scary to spend my whole life with one person who i have to tolerate all his whims!!

PRADEEP K. said...

Dear NW,
The human mind is programmed with several factors and experiences. All the factors that you have mentioned are true. But they are not everything. There are many more variables than just the upbringing. Thank you. :)

Dear Neha,
Thank you very much. I do not believe in arranged marriages, myself. Moreover, it is very important to know a person very well, before one commits to spend the rest of ones life with the person.

Dear Praveen,
As long as you think that marriages are about compromise, you will remain scared. Think of it as acceptance. Surely you will find a man who can accept you and love you for who you are. He will come into your life and sweep you off your feet. When you meet the right man, you will not be scared anymore.

(Smiles)

Camphor said...

I am not qualified to comment. When I am, I will. :)

Fear would not the fear of marraige as an institution, but the fear of making a wrong choice - as far as the partner goes...
yes, acceptance is necessary. and even if pre-destiny exists, i believe it is US who bring it about to frutation, and then does the equation not reduce to self?

PRADEEP K. said...

Dear Camphor,
When we shop for a Television, a Car, a Laptop, or a mobile phone, we expend a lot of time and energy in understanding the pros and cons of the various models, and opt for the best (one that suits most of our likes).

It should be no different in the choice of a life-partner. When we do so much research before deciding to buy a simple article of pleasure or convenience, how can we not do the same while we seek our soul-mate?

I do not recommend that any two people get married unless they know each other well, and unless they are certain that they are the right choice for each other.

The rest of the details are taken care of by the degree of acceptance.

Thank you for the comments. :)

(Smiles)

zee said...

when it comes to predestination and free will i tend to look at it from a slightly different point of view - yes i believe destiny has a hand in our lives, but i also believe that that we have free will - our choices affect the journey and not the destination...whatever was meant for u will happen.

i suppose it works more or less on the parallel unviverse theory - there are an infinite number of 'you's' and 'me's' in an infinite number of universes - each 'you' taken on a different role - in the one universe u could be a thief and in the other a cop but at the end of it all u will still end up where u were meant to be...in the case of marriage - thats part of the journey and hence affected by free choice and not destiny.

PRADEEP K. said...

WOW!
Parallel universes - multiverse - is indeed a very exotic, highly imaginative theory.

For those who may not know about it:

The theory of multiverse was postulated by scientists to reconcile the paradoxes raised by General theory of Relativity and Quantum Mechanics. According to this theory, there are supposed to be an infinite number of universes, albeit in different forms, and in different states. Accordingly, in any given situation, every conceivable path is postulated to be traversed in one universe or the other.

Interestingly, some scientists believe that these parallel universes are as close as a few millimeters from our universe, and that we interact with them on a daily basis.

I have spent about three years, and a lot of energy, learning and imagining the claims. I have not yet found evidence, either intuitive or otherwise, either for or against the theory of multiple realities.

I believe that consciousness is the only reality.

Thank you for your views, Zee.