TBNN

TBNN. The Breaking News Network. The only channel that brings you exclusive breaking news, live, every hour, by the hour.

Or, so it claims.

The last I checked, the channel's ticker was flashing the same rubbish I had read about a year ago. In fact, you can predict most of the news as soon as you wake up on any given day without having to refer the channel. You cannot go terribly wrong if you try a random combination of these:

Baba breaks fast; Rapist gets bail; Actress poses nude; CM faces charges; Rat-poison found in mid-day meal at school; Opposition leader to be next CM; Innocent people killed in riots; CM acquitted of all charges; Opposition leader cries foul...

You certainly get the idea. Go on, then. Let experience be your guide, or let your imagination run wild. Either way, you can accurately predict the breaking news.

Coming back to the channel's claims, that I or any other intelligent human may not subscribe to the same seems to be immaterial. If you are wondering about what it takes to run a channel like that, the idea is apparently simple:

Brainwash as many citizens as possible and get them hooked. It doesn't matter if the news is stale. As long as it is controversial, you can sell it as breaking. So, give them enough controversial news to keep their attention piqued. And glued.

Keep your correspondents (prefer females, the more attractive, the better) stationed at strategic locations from where you expect the most controversies to arise, pay them well for the interruptions expected in their holiday plans, ensure technical snags when they have nothing worthwhile to report, and you're good to go.

In the mean time, get some loud-mouth go-getters like Gurkha Butt to host a few shows exclusively on your channel, give them some controversial topics to drag on for a few hours when your live correspondents are enjoying their paid holiday, invite some political eunuchs to discuss matters they cannot care less about on the show, and screw all your viewers into believing that your channel is bringing them exclusive coverage of breaking news.

Well, that's all I can say for now. That's a start. I cannot give you all the ideas. But these are the foundation. Don't believe me? Watch these guys:

TBNN. The Breaking News Network. The only channel that brings you exclusive breaking news, live, every hour, by the hour.